S1:E7 WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?



In which pretty girls, ugly men and Captain Kirk all turn out to be robots. Or something.

Andrew: This week’s narrative was written by Robert Bloch, he of ‘Psycho’ fame and numerous stories and screenplays including a bunch of Cthulhu mythos tales (he was pals with Lovecraft) and some superbly second-rate Amicus films. With such impeccable credentials I have high hopes for this episode. What could go wrong?


Dolly: D'you know what would make this episode even better?

U-W: *sigh* No, Dolly, what would make this episode even better?

Dolly: If all the actors were played by fish in knitted cardigans. Kirk would be a trout, Spock would be a hailbut and Bones would be a cod. That would be great wouldn't it? And the Enterprise was an old ice cream van. And it was set in dinosaur times.


Dolly: There's quite a cute couple that have a little cuddle  on the bridge. It adds a nice little family atmosphere to the Enterprise crew. It's a nice touch. 

U-W: Jim's just wondering which one he'll need to shag to split them up. 


Andrew: Uh-oh, it’s that distinctively masculine Nurse Chapel again, hoping they’ve found her old ‘boyfriend’ Roger. I like the unconcealed look of doubt on Jim’s face. He doesn’t give a toss for old male partners. He wants women.

Dolly: Shatner’s delivery is very slow at the start isn’t it? Is he drugged? I know I am.

Andrew: Roger is the “Louis Pasteur of archaeological medicine”. What the hell does that mean?

U-W: He found a way to cure ruins of the clap?

Dolly: Quick, somebody tell Joan Collins!

Andrew: Uhura’s back in black this week. Sorry, red! Christ, she’s gorgeous.

U-W: She's like a magnificent panther.

Dolly: With fantastic tits.

Andrew: Did they record different versions of the opening theme? This one seems to have a funny oompah bass line I hadn’t noticed before. I’d quite like to see the crew in lederhosen.


Dolly: Me too. In fact I quite like to see everyone I've ever met in lederhosen. I like them.

Andrew: Nursie always knew her lost feller Roger was still alive. She felt it in her loins. Often. She can’t wait for a good Rogering but the thoughtless devil asks to see Kirk alone. Lucky Jim! (cue Kingsley Amis gag).

*tumbleweed* *nervous coughing*

Oh, please yourselves.

Dolly: Nurse Chapel always does.


Dolly: Hang on a cotton-pickin' minute! Is this another Star Trek first? Uhura's just kissed Chapel. Televisions first interlesbian kiss.

U-W: They're just friends.

Dolly: My friends don't kiss me like that.

U-W: My wife doesn't kiss me like that. A few years ago we split the house down the middle like in that episode of Steptoe & Son. We said we'd stay together until the kids left home, but they chose her side so I'm not even sure if they still live with us. 

Andrew: Anyway, Chapel beams down with Jim to a world of fluffy white blankets. Cosy.

Dolly: They've beamed down to Iceland. Look cheap party food for the dim of brain and enhanced of bosom.

Andrew: The security red shirts have been split up. Obviously at least one of them is now going to die. You’d think they would have sussed the convention by now? So a creepy cloaked alien pushes one into a crevasse - so long, sucker. The alien reminds me of Fish from Marillion doing has second-rate Peter Gabriel pastiche, crossed with Lurch from The Addams Family in a dressing gown.

Paul: That’s because it is Lurch from the Addams Family in a dressing gown.

Dolly: Lurch looks like my old Nan. She was a bit  creepy and kooky. She never spoke, but was excellent at serving drinks, mainly to herself.

Andrew: Quick upskirt shot of nursie. I’m sure I saw something that shouldn’t have been there. Gives me the willies.

Dolly: She would give you the willy if you let her. Actually a lot of the set looks like massive pink cocks. I'm just just sayin'.

U-W: What dildos would look like if they were made out of hardened blancmange.

Dolly: Roger says to Kirk " I assume you're Captain Kirk?" and Jim just ignores him! I hate people that do that. There's a woman at work who does it all the time. I saw her eating 3 Cadbury's Cream Eggs in one go once.

U-W: What, like in an omelette?

Dolly: No, one after the other. The fat cow.

Andrew: Space couture can be very hit and miss. This week we’ve struck fashion gold with utilitarian unisex duotone dungarees, to be worn with black beatnik roll-neck sweater for creepy old male scientists (Parker from Thunderbirds?), and with bare breasts for nubile assistants. I encourage this look at home and in the workplace.
U-W: She's remarkably attractive for a very beautiful woman with a fantastic body.

Andrew: Her name is Andrea and if Chapel’s look could kill Bones would already be saying 'She’s dead, Jim'. Actually Jim’s already mentally undressing her, which is a bit unnecessary given her revealing costume.

Dolly: Nursie has a rival. My diagnosis is trouble.

Andrew:  The elusive Dr Roger Corby finally steps out, looking like George W Bush in a boiler suit. Do you think he invented the space trouser press?


U-W: Space trousers are just about my favourite trousers, although I also have a fondness for medieval slacks.

Andrew: Cor, Andrea makes a grab for Jim’s weapon – isn’t she bold!  Sherry Jackson was in just about every US tv show in the 60s and 70s but never seemed to find sustaining parts or film work. Maybe she was too short.

Andrew: So Jim tango's with Lurch and shoots one off (so to speak), hitting the Thunderbird scientist and revealing him to have a stomach full of electronics. Do you think Andrea’s rotten cooking finally killed him?

Dolly: He's a robot. He eats only nuts, and bolts. Just like you, Andrew, on a Saturday night. Quick gobble, quicker getaway.  

Andrew: Fuck me, Lurch does an outstanding impression of Kirk. Even Spock’s fooled. Damn, now he’s doing Andrea and Nurse Chapel’s voices. This is getting too weird for me.

U-W: He’s the outer space Mike Yarwood.

Dolly: Except that all his voices don’t sound like Harold Wilson. 

Andrew: Obvious plot point: Jim gets Ruk/Lurch to obey Chapel’s command. Funny how the clever Dr Corby doesn’t see it.

Andrew: Corby reveals that Andrea is an android too, android meaning sex toy. Jim tries to look disapproving but we know he’d shag it till it’s circuits blew. Nurse Chapel looks even more pissed off that s/he’s been usurped by a sex machine.


Dolly: She'd be upsurped by a washing machine.

Andrew: A snog and a slap; Jim’s bread and butter.

Andrew: Did you notice the triangular shape of the doorways? Lifted straight off the Krell architecture in Forbidden Planet.


Dolly: You're very observant considering you're almost blind though continual self abuse. 

Andrew: Bonus points to Corby for not only getting Jim’s shirt off this week but his trousers too! They’re going to make a robotic sex android version of Kirk, which seems rather pointless given Shatner’s natural robotic sex persona. Still Shatner’s naked and everyone gets so excited the table starts whizzing round.
 
Dolly: Interesting to note that the basic material used to make a Kirk sexbot it a stubby green man shaped bogey. Kirk’s got quite hairy legs compared to his top half. 

U-W: He's a goat from the waist down.

Dolly: I like the big space buttons and dials.

Andrew: Nurse Chapel’s so dizzy she can’t tell Jim from his cyborg doppelganger. So, we’re only on episode 6 and they’re already recycling the ‘Jim’s Evil Twin’ scenario. Bloch was always happy to borrow ideas from others.

U-W: Yeah, 'Psycho' was all Ed Gein's idea.


Andrew: They appear to eat carrots on this planet. Special space carrots. You can tell the real Jim cos he eats his vegetables. He gets a funky two-tone jumpsuit too.

Andrew: Corby’s a megalomaniac who’s going to conquer the galaxy with his androids. Pshaw, Jim’s having none of it and fashions an impromptu noose around the crazy doctor’s neck. 


Dolly: Why is there a bit of rope around Kirks chair to help him escape? That’s convenient isn’t it?

U-W: Why? It's called lazy writing. It's a technical thing.

Andrew: Jim’s going to use a crusty phallus to whack Lurch with. Where have I seen that before?


Dolly: Poised above your arse? 



U-W: It's worth just pondering the balls out shamelessness of that prop. It's so blatant it's ridiculous. And brilliant. It's ridiculously brilliant.  

Andrew: Robot Jim’s beamed aboard the Enterprise and sets about abusing poor old Spock with some rude robot racist ramblings.

Andrew: Meanwhile Shatner can’t contain himself any longer and goes in for a proper snog with Sherry. I bet that wasn’t in the script. I wonder what robot tongue tastes like? He certainly succeeds in confusing Andrea.


Dolly: I bet she tastes a bit fizzy. Like licking a battery.

Andrew: Kirk quizzes Lurch about his ancient alien creators, the Old Ones. This is clearly pinched from Lovecraft’s ‘At the Mountains of Madness’, set in a similar frozen city, where Elder Beings created Shoggoths to do their manual work but these creatures eventually revolted against their masters and killed them. It’s a shame Lovecraft seemed to favour Fascist revolution over Marxism. I rather like the idea of Shoggoths as the proletariat. Stupid old Nazi.


Dolly: Ahhhh, Howie P  Lovejuice. How many tickles does it take to make Cthulhu laugh? Go on, guess.


Andrew: Oh, for Christ's sake, Dolly. I don't know. How many tickles does it take to m ake Cthulhu laugh?


Dolly: Ten-tickles!


Andrew: Anyway, a brief burst of Shatning and Lurch is convinced the he must burn the Reichstag and seize power in a military coup. Sorry, I mean renounce Dr Trouser Press, who simply zaps him with his, erm, zapper.


Dolly: It’s very philosophical this isn’t it? Innit deep. Am I a man, or am I a robot? Or a man robot made out of old snot?

Andrew: The scuffle reveals Corby is an android too with a bit of plastic skin flopping off his hand. Nurse Chapel’s obviously tempted by the thought of robot Corby’s tireless mechanical private parts, but s/he’s an emotional creature and can’t decide one way or the other.

U-W: Poor Nurse Chapel. She doesn't have a lot of luck. she's the sort of person who gets a disease named after her.

Andrew: Robot Kirk won’t snog Andrea so she shoots him dead. She won’t be denied. That’s the power Shatner’s tongue has over impressionable young women. Probably young men too. So she goes for the nuclear option – an android on android kiss with phaser on max – Ka-Blooie!

Dolly: 'Does this make a difference?' - says Corby holding up his robot hand. Yes, yes it flipping does. If Christine had wanted to be probed by something mechanical she would have used that Ann Summers gift card she got for her birthday. This is quite moving, actually.  I'm not used to this amount of emotional content in Star Trek. I can feel myself welling up. *sob*

U-W: It's alright, Dolly, it's only telly.

Dolly: Then Kirk looks into the middle distance and says 'Doctor Corby was never here'. What a great line!

Andrew: Another lovely little closing scene from Jim and Spock, where Jim is taken down for his ‘unsophisticated’ racial slurs. You’ve got to raise your game if you want to diss Spock. He's the fucking master of the put down.


Dolly: This was an all Shat episode wasn't it? No Bones, no Scottish imbecile, no shinny Sulu. Great though. Really enjoyed this.

U-W: Good stuff, only marred by poor quality jokes, funny looking pricks and sexism. 

Andrew: Which is also a very good description of this blog.


FINAL SCORE:
ANDREW 8/10 - DOLLY 8/10 - U-W 8/10 - TOTAL: 24/30

S1:E6: MUDD'S WOMEN

In which a trio of sexy ladies and their unscrupulous 'agent' cause chaos aboard the Sexship, sorry, Starship Enterprise.


Dolly: If Star Trek had been made by the BBC they would've wiped over this episode by now. It would say 'Star Trek Mudd's Women' on the side of the box but if you got it out and played it, it'd probably be like Andy Pandy or something. You be gutted if that happened wouldn't you? Unless you were a Andy Pandy fan that is. In which case you wouldn't. You'd be insane. 

U-W: We’d be watching tele-snaps now or some limited flash animation recreation with Danger Mouse in it. Which sounds pretty cool now I've said it.



Andrew:  Opening scene in the bridge. We’re in hot pursuit of a crappy looking flying saucer that doesn’t want to be caught, flying through an asteroid field. Look out, Uhura’s in gold this week. Suits her.

Dolly: I love the sound effects on the bridge. They must be one of the most iconic sound effects ever.


U-W: Definitely. And the phaser noises, and the transporter, and the communicators and the tricorder and the photon torpedoes, it's all great, isn't it?


Dolly: Christ, Scotty’s an ugly man, isn’t he? He looks like a potato in a wig. Have I mentioned I hate his stupid fat guts?


U-W: No. Never.



Dolly: The bulbs keep going on the bridge. That’s really annoying. We’ve got one at the top of our stairs that does that. I have to lean over the bannister to change it. It’s quite a scary job. 

U-W: Especially when you're a fat bastard. Just get the right wattage, or get them checked out by a decent electrician. Ask your friends and colleagues for recommendations to find one you can trust.

Dolly: Scotty says he’s ‘Locked on to something’. 

‘Something’? Doesn’t he want to check first? Does he just beam anything on board? So, what if it’s some hideous carnivorous alien? Or an evil Scotty?

U-W: Or a shopping trolley or an old boot?


Dolly: Oh, no - it’s alright. It’s just a comedy Irishman. Phew!



Andrew: Saints preserve us! they’ve beamed Leo Walsh, an actual swashbuckling Oirishman aboard with his harem of dollybirds. Anyone else reminded of the Pat Mustard character from Father Ted? Walsh has tuffs of thick black curly hair on his neck.


Dolly: It’s horrible. When he takes his shirt off I bet he looks like a sheep. A space sheep. Begorrah, begorrah space sheep. Have you any wool? Yes, all around my fat neck. Do you want to stroke it? Go on, STROKE IT! What the flip am I saying? Sorry. Carry on.

U-W: Would you like to take a break? Maybe resign?



Dolly: I'm fine. Get your hands off me. Wait a second! He’s also beamed up some sexy space ladies too. Scotty’s so smitten he can’t answer the communicator. McCoy looks like he’s never seen a female before and just got his first ever stiffy. What sort of doctor is he? That’s not exactly professional is it?

U-W: In order to make craggy old Bones look sexually aroused they film him in extreme soft focus. He looks like a teenage girl, albeit it one with a terrible ageing disease. It's something I noticed on that episode with the Salt Vampire, when McCoy feels most like a man, he looks and acts like a woman, which is probably counter productive in most cases.


Andrew: The crew is all hot to trot. Even looks like Spock’s got a hard-on, or whatever Vulcans do when they’re excited.

U-W: His eyebrow is arched to breaking point. Any more stimulation and it will fly off into someone's face. 

Dolly: Must be difficult aboard ship for the blokes. Frustration. Lack of privacy. I imagine they slam their cocks in the fridge door until they calm down. I imagine. And I imagine that a lot. Usually when I'm drunk and alone in the early hours of the morning. Slamming my cock in the fridge door.




Dolly: The sexy ladies are taken to see Kirk. Who remains surprising stoic considering he’s Kirk, one of the most voracious sexual predators in the universe.

U-W: He's not stoic, he's just wondering what order to do them in.

Andrew: Scotty’s bewitched and Bones is practically dribbling down his medical scrubs. But who can blame him? One of the ladies (Magda, played by Susan Denberg) was in Hammer’s ‘Frankenstein Created Woman’ and a Playboy Playmate of the month. Not sure why her Wiki entry needs to include her measurements 34C, 25, 34; I’m more interested that she’s from Pomerania: a genuine Pomeranian!

Dolly: You just made that up. You big fibber. There's no such place as Pomerania. You're always making up countires. Remember when you told me to book a holiday in Fannylingus? I got thrown out and banned from Thomas Cook for life.  Again.

Andrew: You're so gullible.

Dolly: What does gullible mean?

Andrew: Handsome.

Dolly: Well in that case, yes. I am very gullible.

U-W: I always liked that bit in 'Three Days Of The Condor' when Max Von Sydow says 'I am from Alsace, I am an Alsation'.

Dolly: Is that the Robert Redford film? Now there's a gullible man. 


Dolly: Sulu’s retaining his composure, though, isn't he? He's more into plants, really? Man shaped plants. With penises.

Andrew: Nice quick shot of sequined arses sashaying down a corridor. Old school sexism, direct from the year 2265.

Dolly: McCoy tells the nurse to clear off in case he cockblocks him.

Andrew: With her cock.


Dolly: ‘Are you wearing perfume or something radioactive?’ he simpers. For goodness sake. That's his diagnosis? Mind you I expect it's easy to mix the two up. Chernobyl does smell a bit like Chanel Number 5 when the wind's in the right direction. Maybe.

U-W: Lots of early make up was radioactive. Or poisonous at least.  Toxic and full of lead. Joop still stinks like death.

Dolly: I quite like Walsh, neck hair aside. He's a great anti-hero. Despite him selling women for money. 

Andrew: He's a scumbag. The women are his cargo. He's a space pimp.

Dolly: Walsh is a sex trafficker! He’s selling mail order brides. Grooming women. Not like, brushing their hair and checking for fleas, but selling them for sex. Ew! Disgusting. He makes Kirk look like a feminist.

Anyway, I've just realised that Kirk was pretty reckless using up all the dilithium crystals on rescuing Walsh’s ship. He's put the whole Enterprise at risk. I’d have some thing to say about that if I was on board. 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few' Has he never read Dickens? 

Andrew: Or watched 'Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan'?

U-W: Nobody has read Dickens, everyone just watches the telly versions. Actually, I read 'Hard Times' once. What's it like? The clue is in the title.

Andrew: Jim struggles to keep his libido in check.

U-W: Good job his trousers are so tight.


Dolly: Walsh's accent is a bit off. What sort of Irish is he?


U-W: Americirish.


Andrew: He's Paddylicious. 



Andrew: Jim decides to act as judge and jury and whips together a kangaroo court to assess Walsh’s misdeeds. Only he’s not Walsh; his name is Mudd. Is this humour?

Dolly: Hardly a surprise: his real name is part of the title of the episode! 

Andrew: I like the robotic computer voice. Reminds me of a female Stephen Hawking. It starts off sounding intelligent and commanding but within 30 seconds you just want to take a hammer to its circuits.


U-W: Technology doesn't last long in Andrew's house.


Dolly: He once bummed a toaster. 



Andrew: 'Wiving settlers' he calls his trade. Definitely people trafficking. They’ve got him bang to rights and no mistake! I do like the dreamy focus thing going on when the camera is on the ladies, which adds an atmosphere of soft porn. 

U-W: It makes me think I've got the wrong glasses on.

Andrew: Do you have special glasses for looking at ladies, then?

Dolly: Yeah, they're called binoculars.

Dolly: Anyway, it's not soft focus it's the camera crew heavy breathing over the lens'. They can't help themselves.


Andrew: Kirk find Mudd guilty and decides to hand him in to the law at the earliest opportunity. Mudd has other ideas and sends the dollybirds out to beguile the crew, one on Bones and one on Jim, but she just doesn’t fancy him. Shatner must have had his feelings hurt. If he has any. He probably just thinks she's a lesbian or it's her time of the month or something.

Dolly: She must have something wrong with her brain. Like she's simple or something. How can any living thing not fancy Kirk. He's the sexiest thing in the universe. Even I fancy him. She's a loony is what she is.


Andrew: Well, when the soft focus fades the women are revealed as aged wrinkled crones. Is this a metaphor for menstruation? Turns out their not great beauties but chemically enhanced drug addicts and Mudd is both a pimp and a pusher man, doling out pills that restore their youthful allure. Where can I get some?


Dolly: I'll get you some. They're dead cheap. To start with.

Andrew: Mudd’s plan is to trade the women as wives to some crystal miners, in exchange for new crystals to power the Enterprise. Jim doesn’t like it but they seem to have him over a barrel.


U-W: There's a vivid image.

Dolly: Easy to turn a blind eye to selling women as commodities when you get some fuel. I could sell my wife for a tank of petrol. She'd probably be grateful of the change. She's always wanted to live in a petrol station. I think it's something to do with the shape of the pumps. That'd save a few quid. It's not a bad idea now I think about it.

Andrew: External scene on planet surface. They’ve got smoke and wind machines this week to add a little atmosphere. Doesn’t stop the rocks looking shit.

Now we get to enjoy a bit of a domestic between a bald, lonely miner and a windswept Eve after he rescues her from the storm. Emmerdale does dialogue better than this.


U-W: Marcel Marceau does better dialogue than this.


Dolly: I think its gritty. Kitchen sink. John Osborne could’ve written this. If John Osborne had been a thirteen year old boy with a crayon from Buttfuck, Arkansas and had never left his bedroom or spoken to anyone other than his mom who also happens to have been an pillock. 

Andrew: I thought this was going to be a proper swingers party, keys in the fruitbowl, plums on the chin, but one of the miners doesn’t dig it. Two of the women certainly like the brawling, while Eve runs off into the storm. Again. You can't keep her out of it. Sequins, sandals and storm sequence.



Dolly: The doc gives Kirk some Space jelly tots! You'd think they'd use more space based confectionery like Mars bars and Star Bars, Galaxy or Milky Ways and Uranus Chews. Yes, I did make that last one up.

We're building up to a moral! Good lord. I can't bear morals. Unless they're like 'Always check there's enough paper before you have a shit' - y'know useful ones.


U-W: Is that a moral?

Dolly: Why don't you reserve judgement until you're trying to hide the hand towel you've just wiped your arse on?

Andrew: Nice little barbed exchange between Bones and Spock to finish off. I always enjoy their double act. Time gentlemen please!

Dolly: McCoy is really smarmy to Spock isn’t he? He’s like your old granddad. No one's told him his stupid options are really racist and offensive. So he just keeps saying them out loud in public. The twat.

U-W: I thought it was Scotty you hated?

Dolly: I have a lot of hatred in me. And Tunnocks Tea Cakes, an awful lot of Tunnocks Tea Cakes.

Andrew: From Scotland, like Scotty. Like good old Scotchy Scotch Scottish Scotty.

Dolly: I feel sick.

FINAL SCORE:
ANDREW 8/10 - DOLLY 8/10 - U-W 7/10 - TOTAL: 23/30

S1:E5 THE ENEMY WITHIN

In which a transporter malfunction leaves Kirk with an evil twin and Sulu freezing to death.

Andrew: This one was written by Richard Matheson, author of many fantasy and horror stories including ’The Legend of Hell House’ and the Shat starring ‘Nightmare at 20,000 Feet’ story from the Twilight Zone. Let’s hope this episode is another goodie.


U-W: I would like that very much.


Dolly: We can but hope. Sshh, they're beaming down somewhere to do something!


Andrew: Christ, what is it with the studio landscapes? The rocks always look rubbish, like obviously artificial, no attempt at realism. Are they even interested in veracity or are these other planets simply fantasy worlds? I suppose it’s one of the fundamental things about the OST universe; visually there are clear budget and technical limitations, so they completely rely on the viewers being prepared to suspend disbelief and just go along with the story. Perhaps not such a big ask in the 60s, but it’s been fairly risible since then.

Dolly: Crew man cuts his hand on papier-mâché. That’s really hard to do. You've got to be a proper twat to manage that.

U-W: Perhaps there was a projecting piece of chicken wire. It happens.



Andrew: Dear lord, what is Sulu holding? A pissed off Pekinese in space drag? I suppose this is unintentional but it looks camp as tits to me.


Dolly: I believe it's technical scientific name is a Gay Pink Unicorn Dog.


U-W: I wonder what the Latin is?

Andrew: The temperature is “pretty nippy” – is this a thinly disguised racist reference to Sulu being Japanese? This is Star Trek, not Mind Your Language.

U-W: That programme was hilarious until the seventies ended and we suddenly all realized how racist it was.

Andrew: Hapless Technician Fisher appears to graze himself in a rock fall so greaseball Scotty beams him back aboard ship to sickbay. Don’t you like Scotty’s thoughtful expression when something seems amiss? You can almost hear the cogs turning.


Dolly: Scotty has to have an assistant to help him press two buttons in case he presses the wrong ones. The tit. In fact this whole episode's problem is because he can’t use the transporter properly.


Dolly: Meanwhile in sickbay McCoy heals a crewman’s stupid cardboard set wound by using a little hoover and spraying his hand with futuristic washing up liquid from a bottle. I wouldn’t let him near me even to put a plaster on. He’d stick it on the wrong place anyway. Over my left eye or something. Or both eyes.

U-W: He'd go straight for your arse. You're the Beyonce of the Mounds and Circles circle.

Andrew: But if you like it, Bones, you'd better put a ring on it. In any other order, that sentence would be filthy.

Dolly: Kirk beams up, a bit shaky and frail. He tells Scotty not to leave the transporter room unattended, so the Scotch tosspot ignores him and just wanders out of the room chatting. A second later, the transporter starts working on its own and EVIL KIRK beams aboard and no one notices. The security on board is terrible. UK customs wouldn’t let anyone through. UKIP would be all over this.


Andrew: Bad Jim is aboard, and Shatner’s going to have a fucking ball with this one. Long live Evil Kirk! 



U-W: I love Evil Kirk. He is a brilliant example of what a great actor Shatner is. In a few seconds, Shatner conveys that this is not Normal Kirk simply by sweating and letting his eyes dart from side to side, a feral expression on his face. Oh, and by shining a torch onto his features from below. It's brilliant. I remember being scared by Evil Kirk as a kid, now I'm a little bit turned on by him. He's going to be naughty, isn't he? VERY naughty. 




Dolly: First thing Evil Kirk is going to address is the simmering romantic tension between him and Yeoman Rand, so he taps on her door and asks for booze. She takes it in her stride. If one of your best friends barged into your work place and demanded alcohol, wouldn’t you think that odd?


U-W: Andrew does it all the time to me. 



Dolly: Oh, sorry carry on.


U-W: I usually give him money rather than the stuff out of the cocktail cabinet. He can't tell the difference between 15 year aged rum and rubbing alcohol. 


Andrew: There's an awful lot of pretentious shit talked about drinking. As long as its purple and makes me temporarily blind I'm not bothered what chateau it comes from. 

Jim scores an own goal this week by removing his own shirt for this week’s peep at the captain’s tits. Spock looks affronted but he’s seen it all before.

Dolly: The sexual tension between Spock and Kirk is off the scale. Forty years later, I can still feel it in my trousers.

U-W: Two very attractive Ukrainian men cooped up in a tin can together for five years. Tin can? It's a tinder box! Of sex.


Andrew: Good Jim changes into one of his casual wraparound numbers. Probably good for a quick grope, if you fancy that sort of thing, which, apparently, we all do.



Andrew: Looks like they’ve beamed aboard two of those skanky space hounds, one nice and placid, the other a snarling yapper. This can only be to make sure that even fuckwits will now get what’s going on.

U-W: Oh, I see! There's been a transporter malfunction and it's split Kirk and the Pekicorn into separate good and bad entities!  Didn't see that coming.
Andrew: Ah, the reliable space tottie Yeoman Janice Rand. We can guess what Bad Jim will make of her in her boudoir, as he sips on a suggestively horn-shaped bottle. She's always wanted him, but she senses something is off, especially when he tries to eat her, lips first. She gets her claws into his chops, so now we’ll know which Kirk is which.

Dolly: There is a horrible scene where Evil Kirk tries to rape Rand. Most unpleasant. Then to make matters worse for poor Janice, she later has to sit in a room while three men - one of whom just tried to sexually assault her, loom over her and accuse her of making it up. That's not right, is it?


U-W: Seems remarkably accurate given that the actress playing Yeoman Rand was apparently sacked from the series after objecting to be sexually assaulted by one of the producers at a party. A disgrace.
Andrew: Spock susses that there’s an imposter on the ship. Good old Spock, it’s good someone on board the Enterprise can use their brain. Scotty, on the other hand, is clearly a malingering slacker, taking his own sweet time to fix the machinery as usual. Do you think his character was designed to symbolise the 60s trade union shop steward?

Dolly: I heard Scotty once got stuck outside a department store starring at a window dummy. He couldn’t understand why his reflection wasn’t moving and was wearing a flowery dress. The berk.




Andrew: There's that stupid dog again. I really hate that fucking space mutt.

U-W: Wait until it goes to Crufts, then poison it.



Andrew: Good Jim seems to be turning into a total jelly-brained pussy. Seems he can't function without the edge the Evil Kirk has taken from him. It’s up to Spock to sort out this shit.

U-W: You need to be a little bit of an arsehole to be an officer, it goes with the territory.


Dolly: True, look at Colonel Sanders.



Andrew: Bad Jim’s definitely growing more insane, dabbing on some of Janice’s make up to cover the scratches on his cheek. He knows they’re looking for him.

Andrew: Trapped down on the planet surface, Poor Sulu’s getting nippy. Sorry, chilly. He's fucking cold.

U-W: He tries setting fire to a rock, but it only glows a bit. Mind you, if the Star Fleet blankets were slightly thicker than Kleenex then they might have more of a chance.  

Dolly: His mobile phone's dead too because he's spent all the time looking at Grindr. 



Andrew: So it’s yet another manhunt on board the ship, but Good Jim quickly finds Bad Jim and Spock steps in for this week’s Vulcan nerve pinch to subdue Evil Kirk, but not before he blasts a hole in the transporter circuits. You can almost hear Scotty sucking his teeth while shaking his head, 'this is going into overtime…'



Meanwhile Evil Kirk freaking out, so Good Jim tries holding his hand while talking him down. This must be some sort of narcissistic wish fulfillment for Shatner.



Is Evil Kirk wearing eyeliner, by the way?

U-W: Oh yes. And Yeoman Rand's foundation. And a corset. But that belongs to Shatner. 


Dolly: He's gone all Metrosexual. I've just typed that but I don't really know what it means.


U-W: Something to do with free newspapers, I believe.



Andrew: They hatch a plan to put the two Jims through the transporter simultaneously, in the vague hope that they will merge into normal Jim, and decide to try it out on space mutt first. Scotty gets the awkward job of picking up bad mutt, but it’s the first real work he’s had to do today.

U-W: That dog is done for.



Andrew:  Course! The silly idea obviously doesn’t work and it’s time for Bones to examine the dog creature. 'He’s dead, Jim'. Thank goodness. Dare they try it on a human? Well, Spock reckons Jim’s brains will help him survive the shock of being reunited. 

Dolly: He's putting everything on Kirk being more intelligent than the dog. It's a hell of a gamble.


Andrew: He’s quite the optimist. Evil Kirk manages to easily fool him by feigning weakness and escapes from sick bay with Good Jim’s funky wraparound.



U-W: More world class acting from Sir Bill.

Andrew: Which one’s Evil Kirk? Clue: LOTS OF SHOUTING. And sweat.

U-W: And palpable sexual tension.



Dolly:  He's not shouting, he's SHATNING! Christ, he’s great, isn’t he? It isn’t so much he over acts, it’s just the rest of the cast can’t keep up with his brilliantness. They act like marine coral compared to him. I wish I could shout like he does. He does ace shouting. I’d shout like him all the time if I could.


I’D LIKE A DAY RETURN TO NOTTINGHAM PLEASE!


MY ARSE IS SORE HAVE YOU GOT ANY CREAM?!



MY CONDOLENCES. I’M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS!



A BATTERED SAUSAGE AND A LARGE CHIPS PLEASE!


Andrew: In contemporary parlance, they’re going to 'hug it out'.



U-W: Don't knock it until you've tried it. Do you want to try it? 

Andrew? ANDREW?



Andrew: Oh, the suspense of Spock working the transporter…

U-W: His eyebrows are doing more work than Roger Moore and Dirk Bogarde spliced together.

Andrew: There's a vivid image. Oh, and Jim’s back, good as new and ready to save Sulu and his frigid chums. Huzzah!

Dolly: If I was on the Enterprise I’d fake having an evil twin. It happens so often no one would even stop to think it wasn’t me just fucking about. I’d do a little poo in the corner of the lift, hide a couple of Spock’s 3D chess pieces, snort all the dilithium crystals and transport Scotty into the middle of a sun because he’s a idiot. If anyone accused me of anything I’d just shrug and blame evil Dolly. Wasn’t me, I had a transporter accident. As a matter of fact so much weird shit happens on board you could just about get away with anything and make up some stupid excuse. 

Andrew: Space madness. Covers it all.

U-W: Yep, even sexual assault. 

FINAL SCORE:


ANDREW 7/10 - DOLLY 7/10 - U-W 7/10 - TOTAL: 21/30